Archive for April, 2010
Mental Whack-a-Mole
The 35th running of the Charlottesville 10 Miler happened this past weekend, and most people know this race to be one of the best and one of the toughest courses around. I’ve dreamed of being able to complete the 10 miler for 10 years now – maybe longer – but it wasn’t until a year ago that this became a distinct possibility.
Every time you sign up for a race you have some goals in mind. One may be to shoot for a certain time or to get through the whole thing without walking, or maybe just finishing is the accomplishment. I had my goals. I had two time goals: one was my stretch goal and one was my maybe I can live with this goal. My third string goal was to finish. I didn’t really take this one too seriously.
The first half of the race I was on pace for my first goal, but something happened at mile 5. I hit a wall. I can’t explain why exactly, but I questioned how much more I could do and seriously considered quitting. I’ve rarely felt that way in training, much less in a race. This was supposed to be my sweet spot. I’m just getting warmed up at 3 miles – up to mile 8 or 9 is usually the best part of my run – but not on this day.
I rallied a bit and managed to keep myself in the game. I had to dig deep to remember that last ditch goal: to finish. I had to convince myself at various points along the way that even if I had to crawl in, I was going to finish what I started.
I made that goal, and I even made it to my I can maybe live with this goal. But I was really, really disappointed with the outcome. I was disappointed in my performance. I was disappointed that an event on which I had hung so many hopes and expectations, was a huge let-down. Mostly I was upset with myself that I had not prepared properly. I took some things for granted. I cut some corners, and I did not get away with it. Somewhere in the back of my head I must have thought I could get away with it.
Why not? I’ve been getting away with it. I’ve been passing myself off as a runner, while standing in the midst of them I feel like a fraud. The sting was really the feeling that I had been busted.
Of course that’s not truth. The truth may be that I was unprepared to give my best shot that day, but it is not true that I am a fake runner. I’ve worked really hard – too hard – to let these “lizard thoughts” (as my friend describes them) rob me of my faith in myself and the joy of my achievement. I think of these thoughts more like snakes that slither out of dark places. What reasonable person would look at one of these creatures and think I should grab that and hold on to it? No, most of us would grab a shovel and cut its head off.
I imagine these thoughts more like that arcade classic “whack-a-mole”. They keep popping up and I must diligently whack them down as soon as I detect one.
My Top 10 C’ville 10 Miler Moments
1. Sitting in the parking lot of the JPJ arena watching the sunrise. I was so worried about getting a parking space I got there early. Really early. I was actually the first one there besides the volunteers. This bit of solitude is a gift.
2. Gathering at the start line under the cherry blossoms and crystal blue sky. The start is on a hill, so you are looking up at the sky. The weather was perfect and the crowd pleasantly chatty.
3. Singing the national anthem. Not every race begins with the national anthem, but someone began singing and the crowd stilled. Hats came off, people were singing, and I became a little verklempt. Just the first time I would shed tears this day. The “official” singer got to the end of the song and was trying to take a little artistic license with the timing, taking a lengthy pause. The crowd jumped into the pause finished it off for him.
4. The view from the back. Running at the back of the back might be discouraging for some, but it’s fun to see the bobbing mass of humanity fill Alderman road as far as you can see.
5. The drums on McCormick. I don’t know if these are the same guys that do drum circles on the downtown mall, but it had that insistent tribal sound – great for running - and reminded me of my dream of being Kenyan.
6. Vintage UVa. The course takes you through central grounds, past the pavilions of the Lawn, the Rotunda and the chapel. Two blue-blazered, bourbon swilling boys with their Jefferson cups and lawn room appointed rocking chairs kept the patter going all morning – friendly, in a town-drunk sort of way, but with an edge of superior douche-baggery. They pissed me off on the first pass in mile three, and kept me alive on the second pass in mile 9. They liked my earrings and articulated one of my life axioms: It is better to look good than to feel good.
7. The old man on his front porch. This course goes through the University, downtown, the Park Street neighborhood and the the border town of Grady Avenue. As fraternity houses give way to a rougher city neighborhood, I couldn’t help but smile at the old folks on their front porches waving and encouraging us runners. We must seem so alien.
8. The joy of the Lord on 10th & Grady. You know that little white clapboard church with the dark green trim on the corner of 10th & Grady? If you ever pass it on a Sunday morning, the whole building is literally throbbing with gospel music. Their praise band was ROCKING IT out on the sidewalk with singers, drums, electric guitars. This is what ministry is all about.
9. The cemetery on Lexington. In the seventh mile, I pass this downtown graveyard. I am suffering mightily at this point. I amuse myself by joking with the volunteers that I wish this really were my final resting place.
10. Beautiful liars. I’ve been watching people with finishers medals heading back to their cars or out to brunch for half an hour already. I’m still going. Rounding the last corner with just under a mile to go, the volunteers are unflagging in their optimism. They clap and shout things like, “Way to go!”, “Looking good!”, “Almost there!”. The cranky 70 year man who has just pulled up next to me grouses, “We are not almost there. We’ve still got at least ¾ of mile.” But after 2 hours of rollercoaster hills and emotions, we are soon at the finish line collecting our medals. Thank you to the many volunteers, friends, strangers, spectators and fellow runners for making me feel like a winner all along the way.
